What Nobody Tells You About Confidence

And Why Most People Get It Completely Wrong

Generated by Midjourney

Ever catch yourself checking your phone for likes on that post you just shared? Or maybe you've found yourself agreeing with someone even though you totally disagree, just because you don't want to rock the boat? That little voice in your head that's constantly asking, "What will they think?" is exhausting as hell.

Here's the thing though – when you're constantly looking for validation from other people, you're basically handing over the remote control to your self-worth. And trust me, other people are terrible at operating that remote.

The External Validation Trap

Let's be real about what external validation actually is.

It's exhausting.

You get that compliment or those likes, and for a hot minute you feel amazing. But then it wears off, and you're back to scrolling, posting, or people-pleasing, chasing that next hit of approval. No matter how much praise or recognition you get, it's never enough. There's always that nagging feeling that you need just a little bit more to feel good about yourself.

And here's the kicker – people are flaky. They might tell you what you want to hear because they're trying to get something from you. Or they might praise you one day and criticize you the next, depending on their mood or what's in it for them. When you need others to feel good about yourself, you're giving them power over your happiness. That's a dangerous game.

Think about social media for a second. It's designed to keep you hooked on that dopamine hit from likes and comments. But what happens when a post doesn't get the reaction you expected? Suddenly you're questioning everything – your humor, your looks, your worth. That's the external validation trap in action.

What Internal Validation Actually Looks Like

Internal validation isn't about becoming some cold, emotionless robot who doesn't care about anyone. It's about developing a solid foundation of self-respect that doesn't crumble when someone disagrees with you or doesn't give you the reaction you wanted.

The Stoics had it right when they talked about living according to virtue rather than external recognition. Your character matters more than your reputation. Your worth isn't determined by likes, promotions, or how many people show up to your birthday party.

When you've got solid internal validation, you can appreciate praise when it comes, but you don't need it to function. You can handle criticism without falling apart because you know who you are and what you stand for. You're not constantly second-guessing yourself or changing your stance based on who's listening.

The Cost of People-Pleasing

Let's talk about what happens when you don't have internal validation. You start saying yes when you mean no. You compromise your values for acceptance. You become a chameleon, changing colors depending on who you're around.

Every time you do this, you lose a little respect for yourself. It's subtle at first – just a tiny crack in your foundation. But over time, those cracks add up. You start to lose touch with who you really are because you've been performing for others for so long.

I've seen people get so caught up in trying to please everyone that they have no idea what they actually want or believe. They're like actors who've been playing a role for so long they've forgotten their real personality.

That's a lonely place to be.

Building Your Internal Foundation

So how do you actually develop this internal validation? It starts with getting clear on your values. Not what you think you should value, but what actually matters to you. What are you willing to stand up for, even when it's uncomfortable?

Start small. Practice tiny acts of integrity when no one's watching. Maybe it's not cutting in line when you're in a rush, or being honest about a mistake you made at work. These small moments build up your self-respect muscle.

Pay attention to when you're performing versus when you're being authentic. Notice those moments when you're about to agree with someone just to avoid conflict, or when you're exaggerating a story to make yourself look better. Catch yourself in these moments and ask, "What would I say if I was being completely honest?"

Here's a practical exercise: For one week, before making any decision, ask yourself, "Am I proud of how I'm handling this?" Not "What will others think?" but "What do I think?" Your opinion of yourself should carry the most weight.

Standing Alone When It Matters

There will be times when standing by your principles puts you in the minority. Maybe you're the only one who thinks a certain decision at work is wrong. Maybe your friend group is doing something you're uncomfortable with. These are the moments that really count.

It's uncomfortable as hell to be the odd one out. Your brain is wired to want to fit in – it's a survival mechanism. But here's what I've learned: being disliked for the right reasons will always beat being liked for the wrong ones.

When you compromise your values just to fit in, you're not just lying to others – you're lying to yourself. And deep down, you know it. That facade always breaks down eventually, and when it does, you're left with the uncomfortable truth that you've been living someone else's life.

The Reality Check

As you get older, this stuff becomes easier to understand. Experience teaches you things that can't be learned from books or advice. You start to see people for who they really are. You recognize the patterns, the games, the manipulation. You understand that some people really are just trying to get something from you.

This isn't about becoming cynical or bitter. It's about being realistic. The world is full of genuine people who care about you, but it's also full of people who are just looking out for themselves. The trick is learning to tell the difference.

The Long Game

Building internal validation is like building muscle – it takes time and consistent effort. You don't just wake up one day with unshakeable confidence. You earn it through small, daily choices to honor your values and trust your judgment.

Some days you'll nail it. Other days you'll catch yourself seeking approval or compromising your principles. That's normal. The goal isn't perfection – it's progress. It's about becoming someone you can respect, someone whose opinion you actually value.

Because at the end of the day, you're the one who has to live with your choices. You're the one who has to look in the mirror every morning. Other people come and go, but you're stuck with yourself for life. Might as well make sure you actually like the person staring back at you.

Your Turn

So here's what I want you to think about: What's one area where you've been seeking external validation? Maybe it's your career, your relationships, or even something as simple as your social media posts. What would change if you stopped caring so much about what others thought and started focusing on what you thought?

Try this for a week and see what happens. I bet you'll be surprised by how much lighter you feel when you're not constantly performing for an audience that might not even be paying attention.

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Quote of the Day:

“How much trouble he avoids who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does, but only to what he does himself.” - Marcus Aurelis

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