How to Lead Without Being a Know-It-All
Stop Caring About Looking Smart and Start Actually Being a Leader
Picture this: You're working on a highly visible project for a shipping company when suddenly their contracted providers can't log into the system to submit invoices. Money isn't flowing, clients are pissed, and everyone's looking at you like you just broke the internet. The CEO is probably drafting your farewell email in their head.
This is exactly where 25 years in development taught me the most counterintuitive leadership lesson: the less attached you become to outcomes, the better your outcomes become.
When junior developers ask me how I stay calm during moments like these, they're often surprised by my answer. It's not about caring less; it's about caring differently.
The Problem with Ego-Driven Leadership
Let's be real, most of us got into leadership because we were good at solving problems. We were the ones who could debug that gnarly legacy code or architect a solution that actually worked. But here's where it gets tricky: success can turn into ego, and ego becomes your worst enemy as a leader.
I've seen it happen over and over. Smart developers who think leadership means being the smartest person in the room, having all the answers, or making sure everyone knows they're in charge. That's not leadership: that's just feeding your ego.
Stoics understood something that many tech leaders miss: true influence comes not from emotional investment in results but from an unwavering commitment to do the right thing regardless of the consequences. This is what courage really looks like in leadership. It's not about being fearless; it's about doing what's right even when you're scared shitless.
The difference between a senior and junior developer isn't intelligence, it's that seniors have seen more mistakes. I'm not better than the developers I work with; I've just failed more spectacularly and learned from it. I've been frustrated, almost crumbled under pressure, wanted to throw my laptop out the window. But you adapt, you learn, and most importantly, you stop taking it so personally.
Stoic Principles in Action
Negative Visualization: Planning for Things to Go Wrong
Before that shipping company crisis hit, I'd already run through the "what if" scenarios in my head. What if authentication breaks? What if the payment gateway goes down? What if our database decides to take a nap during peak hours?
This isn't pessimism – it's negative visualization, a core stoic practice. When you've already mentally rehearsed disaster, you can respond instead of just react. While everyone else was panicking about the login issue, I was already thinking through our rollback plan and identifying which team members had the skills to tackle different aspects of the problem.
When you're not emotionally invested in being right, you can evaluate technical options more objectively. You take your ego out of it, remove your biases, and focus on what the system actually needs.
Focus on What You Can Control
During that invoice system meltdown, there were a million things I couldn't control: the client's unrealistic expectations or the fact that it happened during peak hours.
But I could control our response. I could control code quality, communication with stakeholders, and how we approached risk mitigation. I could make sure our team stayed focused on solutions instead of playing the blame game.
Accepting what you can't control – deadlines, scope changes, budget cuts – allows you to pour all your energy into what you actually can influence.
Choosing Systems Over Reputation
Here's where it gets uncomfortable: sometimes doing what's right for the system hurts your reputation in the short term. During the shipping company incident, the quick fix would've been a band-aid solution that looked good in the moment. But I knew it would create technical debt that would bite us later.
I had to explain to increasingly frustrated stakeholders why we needed to take extra time to fix the root cause instead of just patching the symptoms. Not exactly the hero moment they were hoping for, but it was what the system needed.
Ego-driven decisions often create the most technical debt. When you're attached to outcomes, you make decisions based on optics instead of engineering principles.
Building Resilient Teams
Let People Make Mistakes (Without Freaking Out)
Junior developers learn better when they're not terrified of disappointing you personally. I've been guilty of trying to do the work for them or hovering over their shoulder like an anxious parent. But you have to let people make mistakes.
During the invoice crisis, I watched one of our junior devs propose a solution that I knew wouldn't work. Instead of immediately shutting it down, I asked questions: "What do you think might happen if we take this approach? What are the potential edge cases?"
I guided them toward seeing the issues themselves rather than just telling them they were wrong. When they figured out the problems with their approach, they owned the learning in a way they never would have if I'd just corrected them.
Create Psychological Safety Through Your Response
Your team takes cues from how you respond to chaos. When that shipping system went down and invoices stopped flowing, I could feel the tension in the room. Everyone was waiting to see if heads would roll.
Instead of looking for someone to blame, I focused on the process: "Okay, what happened? What can we learn from this? How do we prevent it next time?" When you respond to crises with curiosity instead of anger, you create an environment where people can take calculated risks and admit when they need help.
This doesn't mean being soft or avoiding accountability. It means being methodical, staying calm, and showing your team that you're in this together. Problems are things we solve, not reasons to panic or point fingers.
Mentorship Over Guru Status
Real leadership isn't about being seen as the all-knowing tech guru. It's about teaching and mentoring. When junior developers come to me with problems, I try to understand how they're approaching the issue and what they think the solution might be. From there, I can guide them toward better solutions or let them explore their ideas and see where they lead.
Anyone can do what I do, there's nothing magical about it except that I've been doing it for a long time and have collected a lot of battle scars. The goal isn't to hoard knowledge or be the indispensable genius; it's to help others grow and eventually not need you for every decision.
The Paradox That Actually Works
When you stop being emotionally attached to being right all the time, you make better decisions. When you're not worried about looking bad, you can admit when you don't know something. When you focus on the process instead of just the results, your results get better.
During that shipping company crisis, we not only fixed the login issue but also identified several other potential vulnerabilities. The client was initially frustrated with how long it took, but six months later, they thanked us because our "slow" approach had prevented other potential disasters.
That's the thing about stoic leadership, it's not about having all the answers or staying calm because nothing bothers you. It's about maintaining composure while working through problems systematically. It's about doing what's right for the system, the team, and the end users, even when it doesn't make you look like the hero.
Leadership isn't about chasing your ego or seeking personal glory. It's about solving problems, building resilient teams, and taking ownership when things go sideways. It's about being the kind of leader you would have wanted when you were starting out.
Focus on what you can control, guide instead of blame, and remember that the best outcomes often come from the least attachment to being the hero of the story.
Because at the end of the day, the person who can push your team the furthest toward success is the same person who can hold them back: you. Choose wisely.
Quote of the Day:
"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." - Epictetus
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